There will be no discussion, no battle, I-am-cutting-my-hair-and-you-can’t-stop-me. But first a thank you is in order, and it goes to everyone who posted a comment on yesterday’s post, [only yesterday?] and also to those who didn’t comment, but who spoke to me over the internet, on the phone, or stabbed me super hard in person with their fingers. I’m feeling much better today, but as a result of this silly battle with myself, I’m going to chop off my hair. I remember the last time this happened, almost just like this, in fact: I was in a silly mood and feeling the need to stretch my independence, so I went into the bathroom and lobbed my hair off. And that’s what I’m going to do right now. I’m going to walk into my bathroom and chop my hair off.
I am a blithering, helpless mess, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Today my grief had taken me by storm, starting with my full frontal confrontation with school vs. work. There’s so much that I want to do, so much I know I can do. I want to go to school full time and work a part time job, instead of going to school and working full time. I want to feel like I’m actually moving TOWARD my dreams, instead of farther away.
I want to act.
This burning desire will not fade, no matter what else comes up. Photography, teaching, language.
I want to act.
And today I’m brave enough to admit that this dream just won’t die.
And today I received words from one source of encouragement in which I cannot take them to be just words. And now I’m a sobbing mess. But I feel good. I’m strong enough today to tell my father that you don’t support me, and you don’t love me, and I’ve had enough. Today I am strong enough to look at my faults and embrace them, willing to change and move forward.
My photoshoot with Riley went amazingly well, I’d say, and he’s really liking the photos I took so far. In light of this, I am really encouraged that I might be able to do something with this. Even if it’s something small like taking senior photos (which isn’t very small if you think about it)- I could really take this somewhere. I feel encouraged and excited. And though I mentioned that I was sad that I’d gotten over the age of slumber parties, the rascals and I had one of our very own last night, we watched Danny Deckchair, fiddled with guitars, and then played cards and when it was finally getting too late to stay awake, we took off to Bob Evans for breakfast. Now, I’m going to hop in the shower and we’re going to see, “The Pick of Destiny.”
My Thanksgiving was incredible, thanks to a lot of things, but mainly I will mention three. My sister called me from Germany on my way into Meijer and told me she loved me and we had a forty minute converstation that I wish could have lasted three days. The second being spending time with the rascals and the third being the food. I’ll come back and edit this later, because now Riley is here and I get to take pictures of his beautiful face. I hope everyone had as much fun as I did.
When did I get too old for sleepovers? After the movie last night, we had every intention of trying to have an overnighter with games and movies and all that jazz, but I just couldn’t stay awake, falling asleep to Rue and Jei battling it out on Unreal Tournament. But during our discussion in the living room, I didn’t feel the least bit worried about expressing how I’ve been feeling this past week- and with a lot of help I’ve reached a conclusion. My heart is on the internet, so that anyone can point, click, and climb inside me. And I like it that way; I don’t want to change it. I hope everyone has a spectacular holiday with family and friends.
Sara is a girl who spends her days feeling. She likes acting, photos, instruments, writing, music, and books. I know this because she is me. And on most days I'm her too.
