I am going to try my hardest to pretend like my feelings aren’t hurt, but they are. What did I expect, though? Not much, that’s for sure, because I know they don’t celebrate birthdays and I had to drag everyone to get together for the other birthdays and yet I still managed to wind up disappointed. It was a stupid dinner, is that too much to hope for? I’m trying to rationalize it all and tell myself that we are going to hang out later this evening and we hung out until six in the morning last night- and I keep reminding myself that I am emotional because I’ve been thinking about Ken. We were just talking about this last night, too, about how I’ll smile and nod and say I don’t mind, because polite is all I ever know how to be. I wish I could be honest and say: no, please, and I want you to be there.

Where do I begin? I picked up God-Shaped with my Borders gift card yesterday and you’ve been on my mind constantly. How long has it been now, four years? That was such a traumatizing experience: a freak accident that Kelly is still dealing with probably more than I ever can understand. If you were alive today you would be going to Harvard, you’d be in Boston enjoying your days and Kelly would be there- hell who knows, I may have moved with her. I should have taken better care of her. Every time someone says, “Happy Birthday” I think of you. I miss you. But I’m sort of glad you can’t see me now because you’d probably be disappointed in me. The last thing I want is for this project to be about regrets, but I know that a lot of them will be. I’m sorry. I miss you.