Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone who posted a comment to the last entry. I was really having a rough day these last two days, but reading those words before I left work today made my day and completely changed my mood.
Somewhere in the back of my mind will remain those thoughts, but they will fuel me to stay the spontaneous lunatic on the internet, because the truth is- though my fear of dying and being forgotten is still very real to me, what is also real are the people that I know and have meant something to me and vice versa. The internet has allowed me to meet people that are just as loony as I am and it’s okay and it makes me feel good to know them and read about their lives and I feel close and not alone and those things make me not fear death so much. I hope everyone has a spectacular Wednesday, make some noise, wear a funny hat, do something spontaneous, capture it on camera and share it if you can- if not, that’s okay, we’re still going to dance while the sky crashes down.
You look of everything any woman has ever wanted in her life and when I bite down on your existence pain, suffering, and brutal honesty bleed through. I love the way life looks through your eyes even if it’s battered, bleak, and hopeless, because it’s honest. You are honest with yourself and your faults and what they have lead you to believe.
I said religions have life after death in common. Nirvana. Heaven. Reincarnation.
You said religion was created to prevent the people from falling into despair.
And I, lacking religion, lacking faith, I despair. Because I know we are all going to die, and fade, and be forgotten. There is no afterlife. No rebirth. Everything just stops. My consciousness will cease to exist, and none of this will ever have mattered. And if I’m wrong, then our vain God knew the moment he created me that I would feel the way I do and make this choice and that I would spend eternity in Hell for it. And that’s conditional love that I would rather spit on than embrace. And I think I would rather spend an eternity somewhere than nowhere at all. But if I’m right, then what does it all matter? Why wait? The point is I recognize this truth and still I stand and still I strive to get everything done I want- I will write my books, I will compose music, I will dance, I will sing, and I will learn other languages. I will I will I will. And then I just won’t, anymore. Ever again.
Someone prove me wrong.
I don’t want to fade and be forgotten.
Right now fiction lies too close to fact.
I sleep soundly to avoid reality,
and pretend that smiles mean I have happiness.
To whichever reader anonymously mailed me the This Will Destroy You CD, it’s absolutely beautiful and it truly made my day to see a gift addressed to “Bonamy Paige” in such stunning calligraphy. “Grandfather Clock” has been on my favorites list for a while, so it’s extremely refreshing to be able to hear the rest of the beautifully composed CD. If you’d like to leave me your address, I’d love to send you something back. You can even email it to me if you’d like. ;)
(PS: The song you all should be dying to know the details of is, “Philosophia” by The Guggenheim Grotto)
someday
we’ll laugh about this,
you and i,
laugh at
the cruel cruel joke
of who we were.
last night
i tapped
a heartbeat on my pillow
and it echoed
through my body.
i don’t know
if it was yours
or someone elses.
someday
we’ll look back with forsight
rather than blindly
glancing ahead.
someday i’ll know
whose heartbeat
i was tapping
and someday
you and i,
together or apart,
will cry
for the blind innocents
of yesterday.
Sara is a girl who spends her days feeling. She likes acting, photos, instruments, writing, music, and books. I know this because she is me. And on most days I'm her too.
