I really do try to be a good person. There are things that I know I don’t want to do, things I don’t want to say, and ultimately things I don’t want to feel. And well, you see, there’s this emotion I’ve been feeling for the last few days that I don’t WANT to feel, but I can’t help myself, not just because I’m far from perfect but because part of me desperately wants to feel that way. Usually I can overcome that part of my brain. But… not this time. Even though I catch myself feeling it and say, “Now, Sara. Stop it. That’s bad.” I don’t. I continue to let myself feel this way. And so I want to share it with you so maybe I can get over it.
In high school I was made fun of a lot because I was always drawing this character from Gundam Wing called “Duo Maxwell”. He was by far my favorite. I loved him and drew him on everything. I carried my sketch book with me everywhere but I even drew him on test papers, my body, and the white boards. People would say, “Oh, she’s pretty.” And I’d get all huffy and say, “She’s a he.” or “That’s a guy.” And usually the response would be, “Oh, but the hair…”
Everyone said, “No guy actually has hair like that.”
“Guys like that don’t exist.”
“Guys don’t have hair like girls.”
During this “phase” in my life, I had two different boyfriends that lasted for two years each. (I always said a four year obsession wasn’t a phase.) Both would always get exasperated whenever I asked them to grow out their hair.
“It won’t look good in real life, Sara.”
“Guys don’t look good with long hair.”
“It will look gross.”
“Guys don’t really do that.”
“Don’t be childish. He’s a cartoon.”
My dad always gave me a really hard time, too.
“You’re setting your self up for disappointment.”
“Are you a closet lesbian?”
Well, now lately I’ve just been feeling this overwhelming sensation… and I can’t help it. Sometimes I just randomly burst out into maniacal laughter and I start screaming,
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