So when sirens went off a few hours ago, my heart sped up a little, and I said to Jei, “Only in a small town can you wonder if you know the person.”

I just don’t know what to say. Everything I type seems so ridiculous.

I’m struggling with posting about it because I don’t want to draw attention to myself, like this is about me, because it isn’t. I feel so selfish writing about it. [Does that make any sense?] I don’t want people to feel like they need to message me or talk to me about it. Mostly because what can you say? I especially don’t want him to be the topic of gossip, as right now only a small few know, and in a small town nobody seems to have anything better to do than to spread bad news like a disease. The last thing I want is, “Did you hear about []…?!” in that almost excited, “I-know-something-you-don’t” tone that everyone gets. Like it’s a fucking privilege or something. There’s someone I want to call, but I can’t, and if I can’t talk about it here where will I?

This is my journal.
He was my friend.
And I am mourning.

I remember when he was helping out with the festival and he followed me all the way home and when I pulled into my driveway he turned his lights on and the police siren. I was so scared, I had no idea what was going on.

And he used the speaker, “Step out of the car with your hands where I can see them!”

And then he came out of the car laughing so hard I thought his sides would split open. But I was still too terrified to laugh. It was the best prank ever pulled on me. Ever since freshman year he’d wanted to be a police officer. He’d just recently landed his new job and was really, really excited when I talked to him about it three or so days ago.

I am so heart broken.

EDIT:

(Thanks to Bronwyn for emailing me this beautiful cover. The lyrics have nothing to do with this situation, but it’s moving and beautiful and I needed a new song of the week today anyway. Also, the lyrics fit how I’ve been feeling the last few days.)

I was supposed to save the world today but I slept in.

I don’t remember what life is like. I am consumed by doing stuff for other people and this strange sense of loneliness. I’m surrounded yet never touched. And just when things were starting to come together everything is falling apart in a weird way that doesn’t even really resemble falling apart. In fact it isn’t even in pieces.

Stop making sense.
Disown your future.
Stop making love to the past, especially one that didn’t happen.
This is beginning of something new and exciting.
This is the end of time.
Stop making sense.

I still believe in fairy tales. In white horses and rescues.
[None of which will come.]

And in the hollow solitude of never growing up I think I felt something poke me in the eye.
[Wake the fuck up.]