Well.

I just filed for my name change.
$161 .
I was searched and stuff at the door.

At six o’clock I head over to the county jail and drop another $30 to get my fingerprints taken.

Then I mail them, along with my notarized application to the state and they run my prints for any criminal activity.

Then either I or the court will receive the kickback and at that point we set a date for the hearing. At which point, I put a legal notice in the paper, and then prepare to tell His Honor why my name should be changed.

I’ve paid extra so that when all is said and done the court sends out a notice to North Carolina and they seal my old birth certificate, and a new one is created with my new name only. No trace of the old one. The old Sara, and all her ugly past baggage, will be dead.

When I was filling out the application, I stopped at “reason for name change”: I thought about putting, “Rebirth”, but instead I just meekly asked what would be appropriate, “I no longer desire my father’s name.”

And she said, “Honey, just put that. We get that all the time. You won’t even have to say anything more.”

Today is July 2nd, my half birthday, and I feel like I’ve been newly conceived.
I’ve been waiting for this for years. Since I was sixteen.
I was a little nervous earlier because I just want to be sure I’m ready. And I guess it’s hard to put into words but I know this is what I want, I have no doubts about that, but I want to be able to let things from before go. I want to be ready to be my new person.

And I thought I was, but recently I’ve been re-evaluating, and now I doubt that. But seeing as how it can take up to eight weeks just to get my criminal report back, hopefully I’ll be squared away by then.

I know this is going to go through.
And my old life will be over and done with.
And I won’t have to cringe every time I have to use my last name.

I wish Mallory was here. I want to go out and have a drink or something. Just a small mini celebration. And then I want to have a bigger one once it goes through.
Holy crap, will that be a great day.

Holy crap.

I’m not sure how so much time goes by between entries lately. I update and I glance and see the last time I updated was three days ago. I didn’t know three days had passed already…

I saw WALL•E. It was incredible. I didn’t even know what it was about before I went into it. I knew it was about a cute robot and it had something to do with space. I’m pretty sure that the first half an hour of the movie was my absolute favorite. A few times I just sat back, absolutely horrified at the visual depiction of the future of human civilization. It was like Ray Bradbury meets Disney.

I loved it.
Seriously.
And that’s all I’m going to say about that because I don’t want to spoil anything.

I’ve been doing a lot of self analyzing lately. You know when something happens in your life and years later you’re suddenly acutely aware of how exactly it effected you and you realize that you might not actually be as okay with it as you thought you were?

I hate being able to cut myself apart into pieces and patterns. Cause and effect. Action and reaction.

It makes me feel very mechanical.

I’m looking back and re-evaluating some of the things I do, or the way I am, and I realize that it had everything to do with these events that I thought I’d put behind me. It wasn’t my fault and I can’t do anything to change them. I thought you just move on? But I don’t know if I ever actually dealt with them properly.

Does that make sense?

I guess I have something to say but it’s hard to explain, I think. I’ve been pretty happy lately. And usually, when candid photos are taken of me I usually look pensive or lost in thought. Riley took pictures of us at rehearsal yesterday and in almost every shot of me (aside from in character) I am ridiculously happy, and you can tell. It’s nice to see myself so happy again.

(Does that make sense?)