Hey, cats. I need some advice. I’ve been meaning to update, I really have, but the problem comes in with where do I begin? And why does this feel like such a chore?

It basically boils down to this: I’ve been censoring myself on behalf of everyone else, and I’m in the middle of a transformation here so I want to show you where I am.

For those of you that don’t know, meaning you don’t know me in real life and or you don’t read my livejournal, Jei and I are no longer together. We ended our three year and some odd month relationship several months ago.

It has been hard, but overall very good for me. I am not going to share my “what went wrong” story on the internet for all to see because that’s disrespectful. I’m not opposed to sharing my views on the relationship with anyone, but you have to come to me to talk about that. I can’t post it here for anyone to find.

With that said, I should say that on Sunday we finally got everything of Jei’s out of the apartment. We dropped the last of his things to his mum’s house, and everything else he or she had already gotten. Last week he climbed the roof and broke into the house through my second story window. Now there is nothing left at the house for him to break in for.

I’ve been trying to move forward with little steps at a time. I started by getting new sheets. Taking down our portraits in the bathroom. Clearing out my room. Rearranging it. Keeping busy.

Tom has been a big help. He was supposed to be in Ireland until next May or April, but he decided to come home early to be with me. He was initially only going to be here for a few days, but that became three weeks, and then he went back to Canada for a week and turned around to return. He’s here until October 12th, but we’re trying to get his stay extended. If only the US Government would work with us just a little bit. For those of you that don’t know, I’ve known Tom for seven years. We met over the internet when we were young on a forum and we wrote several stories together. We remained ridiculously close ever since. He lives seven hours away from me in Canada. He is my best friend and other half. I tell him everything. I love him more than words can say.

Today begins Fallfest, the official start of fall. Tomorrow I go to the college to see how close I am to graduating. Wednesday I go to my hearing and officially get my name changed. Thursday I should be taking some photographs, which I’ve been aching to do, and getting my new passport issued. It’s an amazing rebirth for me. And I want you, my friends, to be here for it.

Here’s where your advice comes into play. I want to close ChasingTwilight. Or rather, I want to get rid of everything on it and start over. I want to clear out my flickr. My YouTube. I want a fresh start. Would I keep ChasingTwilight or get something different? I just feel like I’m no longer chasing anything. I feel like I have “it” and I’m where I need to be. I’m also wondering what else I need to do in my house to feel new and fresh. Should I change bedrooms with someone else? Should I get rid of my clothes, my underwear especially, and other things? I’m considering getting rid of my penguin collection and starting a collection of owls instead. Is this good and healthy, this morphing my mind is trying to do, or will I regret it later? Thoughts?

Three years is a long time, but there are people I know who have been in longer before it ended. Six, seven, even ten years. Please tell me, how do you move forward and how do you rebirth?

I just finally feel like I know where I am and where I want to go.
And I want you to know and see me there as well.

This is possibly the greatest pie on the planet.
It’s Cinnabon Apple Crumb and we’ve had two already.

Tom, driving.

You know, I feel like an ass.

There comes a point in conversation when someone opens up the door for you to walk inside part of them. Where they drop the hint, unlock the door. They want you to ask them to elaborate or to help them. To listen. And if you do take that opportunity, they can get something off their chest. You can give advice and help them. And if you don’t take that opportunity the conversation continues on in sort of a detached, small talk way.

I know when that point happens, and I used to immediately open up the door and of course walk in and find out what the problem was and try to fix it. Try to help.

But just now someone unlocked the door for me and I just continued our conversation. And it wasn’t for any other reason than I just didn’t feel like trying to help right now.

I didn’t feel like it.

Does that make any sense?

I opened this to tell you in list format what’s been going on in my life. But that’s a bit boring (the list style updating, not my life.) (Not that I’m saying my life is way more thrilling than yours right now.) and this is what came out instead.

I have a few things I want to share, so picture post later.
Miss you all.

(Riley and Chris have been in my thoughts particularly lately. I miss them bunches. Riley an unhealthy amount.)

I told Tom he could call me Pinky if I could call him Brain.
He still calls me Sara.

I am having a wonderful time with Tom, but I am really hurting for a friend right now (who I’ve strangely grown close to over these last few weeks) and it makes me sad to think of where he is right now.

Sorry if I don’t post much during Tom’s visit.
I’m spending a lot of time with him. =)

Well.

I just filed for my name change.
$161 .
I was searched and stuff at the door.

At six o’clock I head over to the county jail and drop another $30 to get my fingerprints taken.

Then I mail them, along with my notarized application to the state and they run my prints for any criminal activity.

Then either I or the court will receive the kickback and at that point we set a date for the hearing. At which point, I put a legal notice in the paper, and then prepare to tell His Honor why my name should be changed.

I’ve paid extra so that when all is said and done the court sends out a notice to North Carolina and they seal my old birth certificate, and a new one is created with my new name only. No trace of the old one. The old Sara, and all her ugly past baggage, will be dead.

When I was filling out the application, I stopped at “reason for name change”: I thought about putting, “Rebirth”, but instead I just meekly asked what would be appropriate, “I no longer desire my father’s name.”

And she said, “Honey, just put that. We get that all the time. You won’t even have to say anything more.”

Today is July 2nd, my half birthday, and I feel like I’ve been newly conceived.
I’ve been waiting for this for years. Since I was sixteen.
I was a little nervous earlier because I just want to be sure I’m ready. And I guess it’s hard to put into words but I know this is what I want, I have no doubts about that, but I want to be able to let things from before go. I want to be ready to be my new person.

And I thought I was, but recently I’ve been re-evaluating, and now I doubt that. But seeing as how it can take up to eight weeks just to get my criminal report back, hopefully I’ll be squared away by then.

I know this is going to go through.
And my old life will be over and done with.
And I won’t have to cringe every time I have to use my last name.

I wish Mallory was here. I want to go out and have a drink or something. Just a small mini celebration. And then I want to have a bigger one once it goes through.
Holy crap, will that be a great day.

Holy crap.