Infuriated Intestines,

I understand that you are upset and I honestly think you have every right. I can’t even begin to fathom the pain and anguish you must be suffering, but please stop taking it out on me. Instead you should be angry with the idiot who consumed an entire carton and a half of orange juice.

Please have mercy,
Sincerely,
Fretting Fanny

Pumpkin likes going to the store with me.
He hears me getting my coat and comes running…

I seem to also have a knack for winding up caring for cats with insane personalities. Cats that have fetishes for being included in personal bathroom time. Morn, when he was younger, would join ANYONE in the shower. He’d hop right up on the edge of the tub and bat at the stream. If you didn’t let him in he’d meow and scratch underneath the door. He was determined that taking a bath was bad and he was going to save you, dearest guest (and mother), from the perils of the water.

Pumpkin however likes to dash into the bathroom before I close the door and tries desperately to sit on my lap while I pee. And he purrs.

I don’t understand?

And I think it’s cute that I shop for fresh produce and fruit and Pumpkin tries to copy me by sniffing it after I’m done sniffing it. And how hardly anyone says anything but everyone looks away smiling when they see him.

[...]

April 1st tends to be a field day for a lot of site owners, bloggers, designers, etc- I guess it’s something silly like poking your finger in the face of the net to say, “I can do anything I want to horrify you with my design abilities now and I can get away with it because it’s only for one day.”

Well, regardless of how many people we startle, horrify, or lack there of, it’s fun. Several years ago, Diary-X (a journaling site like Livejournal, or Blogger) used the layout of Diaryland (their main competitor) and it was hilarious, and of course, all in good fun. Needless to say I’ve enjoyed browsing around to see what sites have played the April Fools layout joke.

For those of you reading on your flists, or after April 1st, here was mine:

Have you ever wondered why Coke comes with a smile?
It’s because it gets you high.
They took the cocaine out almost a hundred years ago, though, you argue. Right?
You know why?
It was redundant.

In The First 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.

20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)

40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.

45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.

>60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.

>60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.

>60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.

This will all be followed by a caffeine crash in the next few hours. (As little as two if you’re a smoker.) But, hey, have another Coke, it’ll make you feel better.