Moment 186 of the 365 Days Project

Today there was a thunderstorm and I went swimming in the pool after my run. Once I saw the lightning I decided to get out and go home. I don’t know how running became one of my favorite things. I used to hate it. But before I hated it I could run a seven minute mile. Today I was so wrapped up in thinking about other things I didn’t even know I’d passed my two mile mark. (Which never happens; usually I’m counting down the minutes towards the end.) I don’t know why I feel like sharing this with you. I’m getting antsy again. About writing here, I mean.

I miss Diary-X.

I want to write the things I want and post the pictures I want and not feel badly about it. And it’s not even that I have a ton of awful things to say, at all, it’s just… I guess I don’t know how to explain it.

But somehow I know that this ALWAYS happens. If I go somewhere else or find some place new slowly I’ll get to the point where I don’t know who’s reading anymore and I’ll want to do it all over again. I wish I could just get passed that point.

Maybe this time I will.
But I’ve a few more miles to go yet.

Can this year be over already, plz?
Kthanx.

The ice cream truck.

Kat came running in a few minutes later and we giggled about it. I remember when we first came to the States and we heard the ice cream truck we chased it down for two blocks because we’d never had one before. It was just like in the movies. Simple pleasures, I tell you.

Oh, I pulled my left calf muscle.
It huuuurrrts.

I stayed up all night last night, and I mean until six am or some such, watching the entire second season of The Office. Absolutely hilarious. The first season was a bit difficult for me to watch because I don’t think we should joke about racism or sexism because I guess I’m a hardass like that and take it very seriously. But the second season was totally better. Either that or I became desensitized over night. Which isn’t the case.

Anyway, a few weeks ago Jei brought home this amazing HAT (huge ass television) and it’s been the greatest thing in the world. I love watching movies and now I get to watch them while I’m laying in bed and it makes me very happy. Lots of things make me happy right now.

Oh, but what doesn’t make me very happy is the realisation that I adore fucking with my hair. I’m in a production right now, two actually, and I have to leave my hair this platinum blonde and I’m thinking- wow, I want to dye my hair. But I can’t. I have to ask permission. But I don’t know if I want to go brunette or red or… I just want to mess with it. But I can’t. Which makes me want to even more.

Crazy psychology.

We are not ghosts. We are real.

We will do this thing. We will do these things.

We will destroy myths.

We will break all you know apart and make it new.

This is how we are.

This is who we are.

This is what we are.

Yellow and orange.

“We are gold”

This is the best day I’ve had in a while.

Talked to Tom on the phone who was flying out to Ireland.
Took pictures.
Made food.
Epic thunderstorm. (I mean, EPIC.)
My dad called just to say hi.
My ex called and we talked for five hours. It was wonderful.

I’ve had those pants since I was a freshman in high school. Anyway, have you ever suddenly felt outside yourself? Like suddenly you’re very aware of what you’re doing, how you sound, the way you walk, what people are thinking of you right-this-very-second? I’ve sort of had this as a prolonged sensation over the past few days. I feel like I see myself, really see myself, and it just startles me. Every time I open my mouth, slouch, hear my own voice, brush my teeth. It’s really rather odd. (Speaking of Odd- the new Odd Thomas book came out yesterday, and despite my love for Odd I couldn’t justify spending $30 on a book.)

Today marks day 171 of the 365 project. I thought during this month I had for sure failed miserably, but it turns out I did not. This was a pleasant surprise. My entries feel very detached, choppy, and informative. Sorry about that. Maybe I’ll just resort to picture posts for a while.

I’m pretty sure this just sky-rocketed to my top favorite pies (strawberry rhubarb)- it was extremely delicious. I baked some pork strips yesterday and they turned out wonderfully. I was very excited. But, in turn, I spaced out and forgot to add the box cheese to the scalped potatoes. Which wasn’t too bad because I had added my own real cheese, but I was hoping I could make it through the meal disaster free. But I guess I can’t help it when my mind is somewhere else.

I guess even though it took a while to make it was super delicious and very worth it.

I don’t believe in this crap, but when it’s accurate I can’t help but stare and go, “Weeeiiirrrd.” And then I promptly let Silent Hill music play on my computer. =D

Relationships aren’t easy for Capricorn. You might expect this, since control is always important to the Goat, and letting down the solid protection of that suit of armour takes a lot of effort. Capricorns wear that suit of armour for so long that it gets rusty at the hinges, and you hear some pretty loud groans and protests as it comes off. And no matter how much they love, there’s always a last secret place inside which Capricorns won’t relinquish. They’re often loners, climbing their own private mountains. And sometimes they won’t allow themselves to accept either help or sympathy when the going is rough. Thanks very much, they’ll manage on their own.

They will often work hard to help friends and loved ones in need, and they know how to give, especially when it comes to the things of the world. But sometimes they don’t know how to receive very well. Capricorn pride is ferocious, and no Goat can bear a situation of weakness and dependency. That means not being in control.

Capricorns are secret romantics, but they won’t allow their romanticism to dictate their decisions. They will often sacrifice the great romantic love for the safe, suitable partner who is a social asset as well. They may throw everything away for an ideal, or for family, or in the name of service; but love? Not likely. Capricorn wants a stable life, and takes vows and promises seriously. Better not to promise than to marry in haste, repent at leisure, and have hefty maintenance payments afterward.

Some Capricorns marry and rush into family life early, but that’s usually because they are either looking for fathers or trying to play fathers. Most take a long time to make a real commitment. If you’re in a hurry, pick another sign. Yet this isn’t a bad way to be. Capricorns place more value on deep respect, duty, loyalty and the power of the family bond than on a few months of wild passion. Not that they turn their backs on passion. This is an earth sign, and the sexual drive is often strong. But many Capricorns keep this side of themselves out of their serious relationships, because they often don’t trust their passions.

Unless you’re the childlike type looking for a parent-surrogate, be prepared for a challenge. A Capricorn will always try to take charge in a relationship. She isn’t interested in submission, dependency or abdication of power. If you hurt her pride or take away her self-respect, she won’t forgive or forget. Because of that earthy, controlled nature, she may also find it hard to express love and affection spontaneously. Sexual attraction, yes; but love can make her vulnerable. The Capricorn partner may love you deeply, but you may never hear it said. Yet she’s deeply drawn to those who can loosen her up a bit.

The same thing that makes many Capricorns secret spiritual seekers also makes them seekers after people who are able to open up the romantic and imaginative side of life for them. This old-young woman needs a partner who can help her free her inner child. The trouble is that, when Capricorns find this kind of partner, they often take the role of a stern parent with a child, repressing rather than encouraging spontaneity. Yet if Capricorns can let that stern, stiff streak be thawed by the gifts of love and trust, they truly have the world at their feet. Then there is no more loyal and devoted partner, nor one more worthy of lifelong respect.