Your blog is the happy, creative, and spontaneous part of my day that I look forward to every morning (evening for you). The day I see such “tired” words against your beautiful layout is a sad day indeed. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

It’s all right. I’m going to watch “All Dogs Go To Heaven” later tonight and eat some really good food and I’ll be good.

There is one thing Chaos is right about, and that’s “Ignorance is bliss.”
If you forget about it, it will leave you alone, and that’s what I intend to do.

And what song is that playing

“I Hope I Stop Fading” by Dead Heart Bloom. Sorry I forgot to mention that.

I think the most difficult and most important thing is to let go of convention. I know you’ve learned certain things about god: if you an let them go, then my suggestion is to do it.

I wish I could offer a more authoritative perspective on this, but I can’t. I’m a heathen like everyone else. But I think there are a couple of things I know, and one of them is that no matter what we chose to believe, god, in whichever form he takes, does love us. It’s so hard to believe that in this world; I look at the top picture and I think, God, how can you let people waste away like this? And I don’t know the answer. I don’t understand. I do know that I’ve screwed up so much and that god loves me. And you know I’m not trying to evangelize you or anything. You know my motives. I just want you to know that if god loves anyone, it’s you, because you display beauty, creativity, hope, light, goodness…all of these things that I think he is. I see him in you.

Please don’t despair because even if it all does end when we take our last breath, you’ve still been something important to me. I’ve always needed you, and I always will, and that is..unexplainably important. I’m not concerned with whether or not you believe in god. I’m concerned with you understanding how important you are. Cause I think there’s more of the divine in that than in anything else. And either way, I know that god put you in my life for a reason.

Sorry for the rambling.

And yes, I do despair, again because of the picture above: I mean, how does this world even go on? I watch the news every day and I see all of this hurt and feel all of this hurt, and people starve to death and yet my god is supposed to be loving. Every day it’s hard to grasp. I despair because it should be me. I despair because the United States is wasteful. I despair because there’s so much we could do and we dont, because we’re killing each other and this whole earth and there doesn’t seem to be any love..

I’m so sorry for rambling. Love you.

You ever watch a series? Like one of those shows where the story picks up where it left off on the previous episode? Now maybe you wont agree but… the shows that eventually end are much better than the ones that continually play. Continually play like… where they just keep pulling shit out of nowhere to keep the show going. Let’s say they defeat the bad guy, well then all of the sudden, a new bad guy will have to appear somewhere. The shows that continue on are made up of several shows that end. I guess chapters if you will. They always eventually reach a conclusion of some kind but something else will have to come up or perhaps something did come up a while ago but still hasn’t been resolved. It’s just crappy. You know that they are just improvising what happens and that they didn’t ever really write the entire story, only the first segment. Then the next.

I guess really my point is that, while life may very well be short, living through an eternity of any kind would be the worst possible thing that could happen. If I have to exist forever… I swear I’ll dedicate existence to finding a way to die. I’d probably go so crazy that I would HAVE to stop existing. Or forget that I’m eternal.

Why worry about what’s going to happen after? What’s important is that you’re happy *now*. Live in the moment, hun… Que sera sera.

The existentialism in this post reminded me of the most agonizing final words I’ve read in a novel. It’s from Kathy Ackers’ postmodern, difficult-to-follow, plagiarism-infused work “Great Expectations.” And it ends in a comma, as if we’ll never really make it to what is to be said. I don’t know why I turn to this passage for comfort, I think many might find it distressing and grim, but I adore it. I find much hope in it. There’s plenty of agony, yes, but the hope is there and the need to keep meeting it head-on:

“My mother committed suicide and I ran away. My mother committed suicide in a hotel room because she was lonely and there was no one else in the world but her, wants go so deep there is no way of getting them out of the body, no surgery other than death, the body will hurt. There are times when there is no food and those times must be sat through.

“I ran away from pain.

“What is, is. No fantasy. Pain. Just the details: the streets, the green garbage bag a bum’s sleeping next to, a friend, too much time no time, too much to eat not enough to eat, going to a movie with Jeffrey I don’t know if the world is better or worse than it has been I know the only anguish comes from running away.

“Dear mother,”

Please please please tell me the Bonamy Paige mantra, though perhaps slumbering for a spell, is still there: Love Exists.

It does. And it is enough. It’s everything.
-cK

You sound so much like Jeff