This is the first of Tyler’s scarves, and he gets two because as you can see, this one’s sort of silly and I don’t really expect him to wear it ever, and it was fun. But he is so great, not only did he model it that way for me so I could take a picture, but he actually wore the scarf like that for most of our night watching TNG. Mallory also came to visit, (WEE! YAY!! W00T!) and so we watched Everything Is Illuminated. Have I mentioned how much I adore that movie? I love it. It’s amazing.

Anyway, Jei and I did a lot today, and before you go and think it was something productive like packing, let me assure it wasn’t, as we didn’t touch a single box. Instead, I was working on my January layout so that I could get it done and out of the way before I am swallowed up by the busyness of moving, and Jei was watching me for a bit. I was showing him how to write CSS and PHP and how to navigate around and then I started working on my background (and I can’t tell you too much or it will give it away!!) and then we started working on it together! We spent several hours making this background together, as we made our own custom brushes in Photoshop, and it was a blast.

Afterward Jei wanted to take my picture, a dive into my weak self confidence, if you will. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I know I’m being vague here but it really was difficult. He put me in a lace spaghetti strap that usually if I ever wear it it’s an undershirt. I had my jeans, of course, but a few shots I am in my underwear. Everything we did was very tasteful, and anything I wanted deleted afterwards was, which ended up being a lot of it. Most of the time afterward I just laid in bed crying. He kept saying to me, “I just want you to see how beautiful you are. When you look down at yourself you see a distorted image. This is what everyone else sees, and this is what I see. Isn’t my sweed beautiful?”

And I guess I was crying because it’s true. I used to be so confident about myself and my looks and who I was- but I’m damaged now, forever haunted by incessant feelings of inadequacy.

But tomorrow I’m spending most of my day with my mother and we’re going to watch the Sleeping Beauty ballet, and then maybe get some food afterward so I’ll see you sometime then!